Realize

It's a Thursday afternoon and I get out of school, my week is over and I am able to breathe a sigh of relief.
I got in my car and turned on KLOVE and watched the sun dance across the snow on my car as I drove home.

And I started to reflect upon my friendships, the kind of friend I am. I thought back to my last new years resolutions, they were to be a "less angry person" and to "be happy". I think that I've become less angry in general, but I still can be quick to get irritated with people, and I am happier than I was, because so many negative things happened last year. Even though yes, my cat died, I got into two car accidents, my car got broken into...bad things - could I have made them better by changing my outlook. People kept telling me that things could only go up from there - true. But sometimes its just ----better to be depressed.

Better meaning, it's easier to be down then to be optimistic. When you struggle with something sometimes it's easier to wallow in that place, whether it's losing someone you love, missing someone, not performing well in some aspect of your life, a fight ect. I think that I focus on the bad and not often enough on the good. I used to have a journal where I would right AT LEAST positive thing about my day, and for a while that worked...then I forgot and I returned to the place I find myself today.

I started to ask, what changed? Why do I always fight this cycle against myself? I came to the conclusion that it is through God and my faith in him I am given the power to overcome my flaws; I am able then to be a better witness to Christ and a better person.

You relationship with God is similar to that of your best friend. If you don't talk often your relationship can suffer, if you don't praise you won't be filled with light. It's easier to rely and put our faith in earthly friends because we see the results of that friendship instantly. We get satisfaction from nuturing friendships, we get things in return. Physical satisfaction, gifts or companionship. But you have to  put faith in God and trust him. Ask him for advice. Turn to him when your heart hurts and you have problems. Sometimes its easier to just call a friend for advice, when you should turn to God first.

I've heard these things throughout life, It just helps to have that re-realization. A quote that I love is: "Somewhere beyond these unforgettable days, we can find it in ourselves to live our lives again." That beyond isn't just picking yourself up, but it's taking Gods hand as he helps you up.

It will take a long time for me to understand why God is working in my life as he is, and what these trials are for. It will also take me a long time to work though my flaws and deal with lifes problems as they arise. I'm learning.

Everything     happens     for      a     reason.

1:05 AM

I sit here; with two papers and two journals to do by Thursday AM.
Do I have any intention of starting the real task at hand?

I do. I just don't have the motivation.

Tonight I went Alien Hunting with Ally and Bridget. We were going to see if we were like Mr. Kohlin and if they Aliens would like our mental essence. We wore foil hats and made she we told everyone we drove by. It was seriously a hilarious night. We took more pictures then the time we actually spent waiting for the Aliens. An hour just isn't enough. There were so many events leading up to tonight - I was very dissapointed =]]

Ooops, there I go procrastinating. Just like talking to a boy.
THE boy from before. I am so excited and unsure.
I don't like it - it's UNLIKE my character for me to not tell a boy I like him. Because I can't contain it for long. I am too impatient. I just want to see him. I just want to spend time with him.

Shane came out to his parents last night; his mom took it well. I was very proud of her. Her only dissapointment was that I wouldn't be her daughter-in-law some day. Shanes dad however did not take it well at all. He threw not only a fit, but objects as well. Shane was a wreck and I picked him up. It was a long night. His sister eventually came over, and he told her too. She took it well too, said she had known her whole life.

Shane isn't going to be the same person anymore; his life is going to be completely different. Everything he knew and loved is going to change. Some for the better and some for the worse. I am scared. This is going to be a hard summer.

His dad wants Shane to get counseling. He doesn't understand. Shane is they way he is, for a reason - God doesn't make mistakes.

I havn't blogged in a long time.
I mainly blog elsewhere about my eat habits ;)

I have been struggling with my faith the past year. So many bad things happened, I just was mad at God. If I prayed I felt it was only to alleviate my problems and not praise him for the good. I've told numerous people I would pray for them and never did; I feel so guilty.

Through Seussical I grew SO close to so many people, I become so spiritually enlightened. God truly has blessed me in SO MANY ASPECTS OF LIFE. Great friends whom I admire, a family who supports me and a HUGE COMMUNITY of people in CYT who have been my second family. I feel so loved, and love so many.

For a long time I've struggled with being single. I've always tried to keep faith that God was just preparing me for someone, and vice versa. But waiting is - obviously - a long and painful process. Why should I have to wait when all of my friends have found great people to be with? What is wrong with me, what am I doing wrong? Why can't I meet someone who is kind and decent? 

There are no answers to those questions other than; WAIT.

Time isn't right, my plan is in no stature similar to God's plan - clearly. I found something in an unpexpected place, a VERY unexpected place. Politically Unusual. I struggled alot with this person, there are so many things against it. And it's so bizzare. I am a very logical person and don't normally fall for this. I tried to push this person away, but I failed. I made a list of Pros and Cons about this person, and they failed. But I am still convinced there is a reason he is in my life. There have been a few instances when God's playlist has really played loudly, so to speak, for me. God definitely has a sense of humor and likes to speak to me through music. On top of weird reminders through music, the past two days I had weird horoscopes. Some believe that the realm of GOD and HOROSCOPES are completely different. But this coincidence is just too odd.

Wednesday, June 4: You've finally hit on the right way to tell that special someone how you're feeling, so sit them down and let them know. It might be hard at first, but it gets easier almost immediately!

I thought, "Oh that's weird." and "NO WAY!" Then today....

Thursday, June 5: Tell that one friend or sweetheart how you're really feeling -- there's no way to lose on a day like today! You're more in touch with your emotions and your way with words is just right.

I am definitely in touch my emotions, but this just doesn't compute. I can't talk to him. It's crazy!....Yet TWO days of this in a row?

I've been talking to a really close friend, and she totally gets me and understands me. She doesn't judge me. And I love that; it's what I need. She sent me a few bible verses this morning:

James 4:8 
Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

My friend told me that perhaps the reason I havn't met anyone yet is because God wants me to draw nearer to him first. And I need to fully devote myself to Christ in order to be ready.

Philippians 4:6 
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

I need to let God know what's on my mind. He knows what's in my heart, but I need to speak with him.  And ask him for help, peace and clarity.

Proverbs 3:5-6 
Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, 
and he will make your paths straight.

I may be analytical and logical - but God is all-knowing. I can't even comprehend how he is working in my life, so I need to stop trying. If I can give everything to him he will help direct my paths.

These are so prominent to my life. I am excited to see what God has planned for me. I have so much to learn.

I used to do this all the time; blog in concordance to a song.

SOMEONE SOMEWHERE - Jason Reeves
Someone is waiting
Someone who understands exactly how you feel
Exactly how you feel..
Someone is dreaming
Someone is hoping just that this will be the day
That this will be the day..
That you take your eyes off the ground
Out of the blue
And see that someone is looking right
Back at you..

Maybe that someone's me
Maybe it's meant to be
Lovers, strangers
Sometimes bombs fall quietly..
Maybe it's chemistry
Maybe it's hard to see that someone is the right one
I hope that someone is me..

Nobody's perfect
Nobody's perfect no one really knows the truth
All we've got's a point of view..
And there's too many questions
There's too many questions and too many reasons not to try
There's too many reasons not to try..

But you should take your eyes off the ground
Out of the blue
And see that someone is looking right
Back at you..

CHORUS

Where ya gonna go from here??
Cause everything you need's out there
And you can have it if you dare
If you dare
There's someone somewhere..

CHORUS

I was listening to it; and this huge smile spread across my face.
A minute later you instant messaged me, and normally I'd be mad and say its over.
But I'm not supposed to be with you! It's doesn't have to be a bad thing; YOU JUST AREN'T MADE FOR ME!

So why waste eachothers time?
Don't waste mine.

-----But maybe that someone is you. =]

2007

Was an incredibly difficult year for me.

+
Found my Soulmate and Bestfriend
Lost 25 pounds
Made Varsity Tennis
Applied and was Accepted to 3 schools
Got Drivers License
Went Clubbing
Got a Lead in the Fall Play
Went on a Date
Got my [first] Kiss

-
Lost my Bestfriend
Quit Varsity Tennis
Got into two minor car accidents
My Cat Died
Made some mistakes with a Boy
My Car got broken into/"
My car died

It was also a year of firsts. I feel like I was a teenager for the first time, all in a span of two weeks. I went clubbing, I tried Alcohol, I ditched school and I had some experiences with a Guy. I'm not necessarily proud of those firsts, but I wouldn't be the same today if it weren't for those.

Aside from learning lessons, I learned how to drive, how to develop my own pictures! I became a health freak. I learned so much about food and excercising. The past few months, every morning I would wake up and couldn't wait to crawl back into bed. I lived day to day and had numerous schedules I need to follow, and things I needed to accomplish. I was alive, but I wasn't really living. I feel very far from God, and I am not sure how to get close to him again. I hope that with this new year, and this new feeling of empowerment I can really start to live my life how I want to. And become a better person. I want to be happy.

I was so distraught by my constant bad luck. But I thank God now because I became so strong.

Everything         happens           for           a           reason.